Bad erotica that should not be posted, ever. Submissions and questions are always welcome.

03

Sep

“ She could feel the heat radiating from him and her pussy tingled as she contemplated the power she wielded over the hearts – and other prominent organs – of the opposite sex..

04

Aug

Some High-Quality Harry Potter Pairings

Hagrid moaned softly at the touch, nuzzling Dumbledore’s neck, inhaling deeply. Very tenderly, he kissed the side of his head, his breath like a warm whisper on Dumbledore’s ear. He kissed him again, harder. And again… and again, trailing kisses across his jaw line. Dumbledore turned his head in response. For a brief moment they locked eyes, Hagrid looking down on Dumbledore’s upturned face, their noses just barely touching, and then their lips met, eyes closed in a deep and passionate kiss.

Up near his navel, Dumbledore suddenly felt something bump into him, something hard. He broke away from the kiss and looked down. “Why, Hagrid…” Dumbledore murmured, barely able to suppress a giggle. “Is that a wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

"Wha’?" he said, taken aback. "But me umbrella don’ fit in me pocket… I mean… ohh…"

"What’s this about an umbrella?" Dumbledore inquired quirking a teasing eyebrow.

"Nothin’…" he said hastily and with a laugh, he swooped down and kissed him again, practically lifting Dumbledore off the floor as he held him.

Hands traveled, grasping and searching. Agile fingers quickly undid buttons, the outer layers falling abandoned to the floor. The motions had a mind of their own, each one acting as if from memory or a long forgotten dream. But with each passing moment, with more and more skin slowly being exposed, warm and welcoming to the touch, Hagrid’s apprehension grew. There was no way. There was no way in heaven, hell or earth that this could happen. As much as he loved the man in his arms, his deceptively delicate features, his slender frame pressed against his hulking body, his strong hands, greatly outsized by his own… he knew that it just wouldn’t work. Hagrid was a beast of a man and Dumbledore was… well, not.

….

Moving as one, the two bodies twisted and turned, gasping and moaning. Their throes of passion like a tempest at sea, crested and fell, heavy and hard, until, at long last, they gave way, falling panting and exhausted into sweet oblivion.

"Oh, this is ridiculous!" Valerie exclaimed, her teeth chattering. "I’m going to go see what’s keeping him." And she marched off towards the cabin.

There were no lights shining from inside the house, but there was smoke billowing out of the chimney. Was he even there? Standing outside the door, she raised her hand to knock but froze as a deep guttural cry suddenly issued from inside the cabin.

"Oh… Oh, Albus, don’t stop! …ugh… yes! Oh, yes! YES!"

Harry knew Snape meant business. He gulped and got into bed with McGonagall. He began to fondle her breasts. They were wrinkled and sagging like two large raisins. Harry felt bile rise in his throat and tried to keep it down. He leaned down to McGonagall’s wrinkled lips and kissed them. “Oh Harry” McGonagall croaked and opened her small tongue to taste him. She smelled like old perfume and another strange odor only found on the elderly. Harry moved down and stuck a raisin breast in his mouth. McGonagall began panting. Harry was only half hard and trying to get more aroused. He moved his penis to McGonagall’s dry lips. She began blowing him rather expertly and Harry tried to imagine he was somewhere else.

Finally it was time. Harry positioned himself and entered Mcgonagall’s almost dry hole. He rode away feeling slightly ill. Try as he might he could not ejaculate. He grew tired, he felt close at times but then he would look down at McGonagall’s tits bouncing from side to side and would lose his excitement. It seemed like an eternity. He finally closed his eyes and finished, creaming almost painfully into McGonagall who also orgasmed, a small bit of liquid coming out.

23

Jul

From Al Franken’s article for Playboy, January 2000.

I found myself extremely attracted to the vulnerable side of this sexy scientist, and when I offered to comfort her, she accepted, kissing me full on the lips and inserting her tongue into my mouth and moving it around suggestively.

23

Jul

Anonymous asked: Pretty sure you've always wanted to see me naked.. Well.. I'm feeling pretty adventurous today so go to datelink2[dot]com (switch [dot] with .) then sign up and find my profile under the username 'lolsummer69'. I hid my face in the pictures. but I want you to guess who I am and then hit me up on Facebook lol. Good luck.

WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY

15

Jul

Oh my fucking god you guys.

foundorfollowed:

Then he couldn’t even speak anymore, because Erik was bobbing up and down over Charles and sucking so hard on him it was like Erik was mining for ore and Charles’ penis was a rich, untapped vein.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T TRAIN PROPER METAPHOR HANDLING.


02

Jul

tranzient:

OMG.
i nearly choked when i saw this.

oh my god

tranzient:

OMG.

i nearly choked when i saw this.

oh my god

26

Jun

“ “Hold up. How do you accidentally have sex with somebody?” Adina scoffed. “Is she all, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see your penis there’?”

Tiara squealed and waved her hands. “Don’t say that word!”

“What? Accidentally? Sorry? Penis?”

“Gah!” Tiara put her fingers in her ears.

“What about phallic?” Petra teased. “Like, ‘Yon volcano is quite phallic, Lady Tiara.’” Tiara looked confused. “Phallic means penis-like,” Petra explained.

Beauty Queens by Libba Bray (via misterstibbons)

24

Jun

Page 99 of JJ Parker’s Rashomon Gate

"Oh," she cried, "how large! It is truly like a tree for monkeys to climb." She gave a little screech. "This little monkey is afraid," she cried and jumped under the covers, giggling.

Tora dove under himself. “Forget the monkey,” he groaned. “This tree must be planted quickly before it dies.”

18

Jun

“Everything you see and feel is real, milady,” my knight says, caressing my bare back with his hands. “That, I promise you. If you desire proof, you only need consider the three very real climaxes you just had in your lady-softness.”

My eyes fly wide. “How did you know I came three times?”

He grins wider. “Your lady-softness told me herself when she was wrapped round my codpiece.”

People actually publish these things!! PEOPLE READ THEM. AND ENJOY THEM. PEOPLE GET MONEY FOR THIS. I am amazed. I thought “Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough bug on a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her” was amazing. If the whole book is like the above… my goodness.

Go here for more deliciously lolful excerpts.

(via torayot)

18

Jun

“Everything you see and feel is real, milady,” my knight says, caressing my bare back with his hands. “That, I promise you. If you desire proof, you only need consider the three very real climaxes you just had in your lady-softness.”

My eyes fly wide. “How did you know I came three times?”

He grins wider. “Your lady-softness told me herself when she was wrapped round my codpiece.”

People actually publish these things!! PEOPLE READ THEM. AND ENJOY THEM. PEOPLE GET MONEY FOR THIS. I am amazed. I thought “Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough bug on a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her” was amazing. If the whole book is like the above… my goodness.

Go here for more deliciously lolful excerpts.

(via torayot)